A Stained-Glass Window

I followed Karen Kimmett upstairs to a small chapel I'd never seen before. Even at 8, I was enamored with architecture and the little stained-glass window in the corner enthralled me. My mother had accompanied me to this rescheduled violin lesson by car (usually I went by metro with the au pair) and we drove through down-town Paris during the sunset. Having seen it so long from the underground, my awe was pricked by my mothers excitement already--what a special day! And since it was so late, the conservatory was quite empty, just awaiting adventure.

Now that the setting was right, she had me play again. A part of such beauty, I was moved by the music. She'd paint another picture, and I would play again. And to a French schoolgirl to whom compliments are banned, she kept smiling and said (in her french canadian accent), 'we should play all night, you just get better and better!'

Today I was again moved by music. I had prepared the Brahms 'O Heiland reiss die Himmel auf' intellectually, musically, technically--I'd memorized the translations and held a vision of what I wanted it to sound like. But Dr. Shapiro knew that I was not where I really wanted to be. He reminded me of the musical skills, the solfege, and the hearing that were quite natural to me. He spoke of various dilemmas with other students which I did not have-- 'I still don't know why you want to hold something back.' Back to being an actress. How would you address God in a song like this?

I showed him, and then blurted out, 'but I can't possibly do that while I conduct!' but I already knew I only had to go there in my spirit (French word for mind = esprit; same as spirit). So I thought back to the times in greatest distress when I have called for Heaven to break open and for God to extend his Almighty hand to help me. and so we worked the music, over and over again. Hearing texture, chord color, register and entrances instead of beats or bars. Trying to express true music.

There were only a handful of minutes left in Chorale (required for all students at EAMA), but he hadn't forgotten about me--Brahms, everyone! May I present to you Mariah Wilson.

We only had time for the first section, but it was beautiful. I received the music, and realized that I was prepared. It really was beautiful. I sang along to both the soprano and alto parts perfectly in my head, cued each entrance and pled with the Lord. Before we did it again, he whispered to me, "You need to use the intensity with which you look at and hear the women's parts with the men's. and ... be moved by the music."

So I closed my eyes. I already love the music. I have already spoken to God in this manner. so I went there. I didn't think about one cue, but they all came out just fine. funny how that always happens. and the Choir sounded incredible. So many musical problems fixed themselves. and I was moved.

Phil Olson would always say, 'You have to move yourself before you move an audience." and you know, I am often moved (even to tears) while singing, but I have never experienced that depth of emotion while conducting. I was truly transported--just as I was in the little chapel of the conservatory fifteen years ago.

A friend said he looked up and (****!,) was practically terrified with the gaze he met. Dr Shapiro said he'd pay money to see that again. But really, all that matters was that I am starting to break down these barriers in a medium I am still becoming familiar with, and I can be moved once again.